bleungberg.com

And so, after months of dithering, Swedish beauty Elin Nordegren has finally got rid of his philandering, two-faced golfing cheat, Tiger Woods.

That means two things: Nordegren is now hot property for single and married men everywhere with her gorgeous body and healthy bank balance.

And Tiger Woods can now pursue his favourite past time unimpeded.

Everybody’s happy.

Let the shag fest begin.

With eight hostages dead and another seven injured in what must rank as one of the worst rescue operations ever seen, newly-elected Philippine president Ninoy Aquino will have a lot of explaning to do to his Hong Kong counterpart, and an even bigger challenge in convincing tourists in neighbouring Hong Kong, Taiwan and Japan that his country is safe to visit.

Donald Tsang, Hong Kong’s embattled/feeble Chief Executive - who can quite easily exploit this tragedy to restore what’s left of his dwindling credibilities - must come down like a tonne of bricks on those who responsible this debacle and so far, his rhectorics and outright criticisms have been good, as has his adminstration’s handling of the aftermath (though knowing their track record, they’ll fuck up somewhere along the way).

To anyone watching the events live on TV, it was cringeworthy and deeply frustrating to see the incompetent Philippine special forces trying to find a way onto the bus - using sledgehammers that neither worked nor resolved the situation quickly. In other countries, infra-red/heat-sensor technology to pinpoint the exact location of the gunman would have been deployed, or even tear gas or whatever bomb which could neutralise the situation and buy some time.

Instead, we had a bunch of frightened officers attempting to break the deadlock - vainly trying to break the windows or throw objects inside. In the process, perhaps one or two more lives were lost as a result of times wasted. The fact that they looked scared says it all - they should’ve been anything but; that’s what they were trained to do.

Hong Kong’s tourist board immediately blacklisted the Philippines as a no-go area for its citizens and nine tour groups have already cancelled their upcoming trips. An overreaction, perhaps, since this was a lone gunman rather than a well-organised terrorist group. Either way, this 11-hour day-night siege horribly exposed the sheer incompetence of Manilan SWAT team and local police’s handling of a deadly situation. With fundamentalist Islamic terrorism rumbling elsewhere in the vast and unruly archipelago, it’s only a matter of time that such incidents (proper terrorist attacks) are repeated in luxury hotels in Cebu or other resorts up and down the country, perhaps even in downtown Manila.

On a wider scale, this incident will no doubt reignite Hong Kong’s long-held fear and prejudice (now justified) that countries such as Thailand, the Philippines and Indonesia are unfit and unsafe to visit. For years, Hong Kongers have followed their pockets rather than their heads, and maybe - just maybe- this tragedy will make them all think twice about setting foot on these third-world, volatile countries.

That’s bad news for the Philippines, of course, for it is vulnerable - deeply vulnerable - to terrorist strikes. Their police are lazy and corrupt - the hostage taker was a former police inspector who was sacked for robbery, extortion and drug trafficking, for goodness sake - whilst the SWAT team have shown to the entire world just how fucking useless they are. President Aquino has a colossal task ahead if he is to tempt foreigners back to his country. Without tourism, the Philippines is absolutely fucked, and with a less-than-rosy outlook for world finance, relying on remittance alone from overseas workers spells trouble ahead.

extortion, drug and robbery

Bleungberg’s in the tacky Russian resort of Adler tonight on the Black Sea, having endured a fairly horrendous ferry crossing from Trabzon, Turkey. (only two toilets worked in the whole ferry…it felt like we had been held hostage for weeks and the toilets caved in one by one…except the journey only last for twelve hours!). Anyway, first impressions of Russia is that the women really don’t wear very much - nor do the guys - and it generally looks fairly orderly down here. That said, it looks set to be one of the more difficult places we have visited, with little or no compromise to foreign tourists in terms of concessions and language help. Frankly, Iran, Japan and even bloody Sorth Korea were easier to deal with; Russia is in a league of its own.

Should be interesting.

Or £800 000 if you read the News of the World.

Apparently, it would be a serious blow if this beautiful airhead was to follow in her former colleague, Adrian Chiles’s footsteps by defecting to ITV.

What happened to the old adage that no one star is bigger than the BBC?!

Gordon Brown - a Premier League ditherer, supreme bully with an awkward smile, and crucially, an unelected Prime Minister. Yet, he somehow - SOMEHOW - managed to do enough to not finish third, not allow Dave Cameron to win an absolute majority, won back numerous councils on the local level, and is still living in Downing Street! An incredible warrior. And a very sad end to a person whose heart was genuinely in the right place, but is just the wrong person for the job.

It also made Bleungberg wonder what would’ve happened had Tony Blair still been there fighting Cameron. If Brown could run Cameron this ‘close’, then surely Blair could’ve at least drawn level, or even won a fourth term in office.

Blair would easily have won those boring leaders’ debates against Clegg and Cameron (out PRing the pair, if you will). Again, it just puts into perspective how shit Cameron is and what a fighter Brown is. Sure, those unfair electoral boundaries always help, but still….

Anyway, very nice that the BNP, UKIP Respect all bombed so spectacularly up and down the country, too. Fringe parties with single-issue causes are almost always a flash in the pan, and 2010 has proved no exception. A big well done to all at Hope Not Hate for campaigning so passionately against those racists in East London and Yorkshire. We’re sure Nick Griffin’s triple chin and cross eyes helped turn voters away, too!

A big well done also to the BBC’s marathon 18-hour coverage on election night. We watched almost every single minute of it, and are dismayed at the sniping from so many viewers who probably only watched a fraction of the coverage.

Sure, the boat party bit was mostly unnecessary - five-time married Joan Collins praising ‘family man’ David Cameron, a drunk Martin Amis, a horribly-confused Bruce Forsyth were the main highlights/lowlights - but Andrew Neil’s exclusive interview with Lord Ashcroft was worth the money alone. Shame it came at about 4am when most people had already dropped off.
But we watched it. We also saw those wonderful defeats for DUP leader Peter Robinson (Bleungberg’s first scream of the night), Jacqui Smith, Charles Clarke and Lembit Opik. We watched in amazement as the Lib Dems collapsed before our very own eyes. It was all thoroughly entertaining and deeply satisfying.

We are just annoyed that millionaire Zac Goldsmith got in. As did Ed Balls, as did Hazel Blears, as did Eric Pickles and David Cameron. And also that horrific satellite dish-face bitch, Sarah Teather in Brent Central. However, we’re very pleased that perspective Westminster North Tory candidate Joanne Cash didn’t win - now if the word ‘bitch’ had ever been invented to describe a woman, then Ms Cash owns it.

But we rejoiced at the accuracy of the much-derided Exit Poll - an absolute triumph for the pollster - as well as the return of the mighty psephologist David Butler to the BBC mid-morning to give us his assessment of the political situation. Professor Anthony King of Essex University was much-missed this time but Butler’s 15-minute chat with David Dimbleby was a worthy compensation. Never underestimate the words and wisdom of an octogenarian.

All in all, the greatest 18 hours of television since the time when the Pope was about to die….and it’s not over yet.

Imagine the look on David Cameron’s face when he realised at about 3am on Friday morning that he’d have to wait just that bit longer to get the keys to 10 Downing Street.

Imagine the look on Samantha Cameron’s giraffe face that there’s an outside chance her precious baby might not be born at 10 Downing Street at all. Or that she won’t be able to emulate the witch Cherie Blair, and milk the taxpayers’ money to fund the decorations for her baby’s nursery, or even her cocaine habit post-birth?

Bleungberg began to loathe the Camerons c2005 - ie, when Dave became leader of the nasty Party - and is loving, LOVING the fact that ANY FOOL other than Cameron would’ve easily beaten Gordon Brown in a general election in 2010. But no, not Dave. Think about it - a tired Labour Party, with a deeply impersonal and unpopular leader, and the Tories still couldn’t reach an outright majority in one yank. How fucking embarrassing is that?!

Not only did he fail to finish off the useless Brown - even with help from that Rochdale bigoty bitch - the Tories also suffered heavy losses in local elections up and down the country. Yes, they won the most number of seats nationally since the 1930s, and yes, they were just 20 seats shy of an absolute majority. But to miss an open-goal like that? HOW USELESS IS THAT? And he wants to be PM? He can’t even get his hair in place.

He was practically useless in those leaders’ debate, punctuating every other answer with those cringeworthy words, “I think these people do an amazing job and we must support them”, or “Well, I’ve been to Afghanistan a trillion times, and I think these people do an amazing job and we support them”. What a dickhead. Nauseatingly ingratiating. Why not just say, “I think teachers are really important but I’m going to have to cull them all like foot-and-mouth infected pigs because we ain’t got the dosh no more.” Disingenuous moron.

And whilst we’re talking about the Tories, you have to love the fact that Tory Party Chairman Eric Pickles has been putting on weight over the last month when he should’ve been out pounding the streets canvassing for vote. Instead, the Tories’ resident fattie has been stuffing his face with pork pies to go with his ever-expanding neck. One day, the sheer weight and rotund size of this whale will crush the dispatch box in the House of Commons and instead of dripping blood all over the floor, it’ll be pure, unfettered blubber. A stinker of a beast.

Lastly, Oliver Letwin - uber-important Tory strategist and brainbox who has a habit of speeding along the M5 motorway back to his constituency whilst half asleep - has finally been spotted by the TV cameras. Apparently, he’s such an intellect that he frightens voters, and has therefore been kept away from the media during the month-long campaign. So, it was very nice to see him discreetly popping up in press conferences and alliance talks straight after the election. Expect to be truly sick of his hair by late summer of 2010.

Likewise, Lord Ashcroft - the tax-dodging Belize-based Tory deputy chairman whose millions poured into those marginal seats failed so spectacularly - was also unleashed as soon as the polling stations closed since his media presence was no longer considered a liability to the Tory PR machine.

How nice of the Tories to release this odious pair in time to remind voters who they shouldn’t vote for in the next general election scheduled for later this year.

So, we picked the wrong party to finish third. Nevermind, there’s always the next election, due in, ooooh, five months’ time? Anyway, Bleungberg abandoned the Liberal Democrats for the first time in a general election, and we are rubbing our hands with glee that anyone fooled by Nick Clegg’s vacuous policies now find themselves directly propping up those odious Tories in a coalition government. Think about it: Clegg + David Cameron…is there a posher man in the British Isles?

Bleungberg have never liked Clegg. He talks the talk, but doesn’t walk the walk. His policies on Trident, nuclear energy (EVERY BLOODY CRETIN KNOWS IT’S THE MOST ENVIRONMENTALLY-FRIENDLY SOURCE OF ENERGY!!!), the Euro are almost as appealing as shaving Oliver Letwin’s pubic hair. Similarly, his trusted and (some say) well-respected Chancellor Vince Cable looked way too smug for someone whose rhetoric became progressively more condescending as his celebrity stock rose. Not bad for a man who couldn’t really count.

Still, every cloud has a silver lining. The one bright spot to have emerged in the unlikely/unacceptable Lib-Con alliance talks is that David Laws MP, an excellent education spokesman for the Liberals, is getting plenty of airtime and is playing a blinder with the media. Laws has long been one of Bleungberg’s favourite politicians; always sensible, never hysterical, and we sincerely hope he will not be offered one of those poison-chalice roles in the Conservative cabinet or his reputation will take a nosedive. Give the Home Secretary post to Clegg, Cable or that moronic Chris Huhne - and ruin their careers forever. Leave our Laws well alone.

The Philippine presidential and nationwide elections take place today, and two of the last presidents are running for various offices - one going for the Presidency again.

Meanwhile, relatives of two former dead Presidents are also gunning - this being the operative word - for power - notably Mrs Corruption herself, 80-year-old Imedla Marcos and her children. The son of the man Mrs Marcos’s husband gunned down is going for Presidency, and looks as though as he could even triumph.

And we thought the Bush-Clinton 30-year dominance of America presidential races was bad enough.

The Labour Party at next week’s General Election.

Note: it’s the Labour Party that we endorse, not Gordon Brown.

Bleungberg have never ever voted for the Labour Party before in a general election, but will be doing so just as they are about to go out of power.

And why not?!

With Harry Carpenter’s passing aged 84 - barely one month after Bill McLaren’s death - two pioneering sports broadcasters have been lost in quick succession.

This time last year, two other well-known broadcasters, David Vine and Carpenter’s ITV rival, Reg Gutteridge, died within days of each other, and with these four men’s passings, there can’t be that many who worked in sports broadcasting back in the 1950s and 60s who are still with us.

Three spring to mind: the peerless pair of David Coleman (athletics, football, Olympics, Commonwealth Games) and Peter O’Sullevan (horse-racing) and motor-racing’s Murray Walker are still active. Richie Benaud (cricket) and Barry Davies (jack of all trade) both started in the 1960s.

In fact, O’Sullevan and Walker began broadcasting in the late 1940s - a link to a bygone era when TV was still in the infancy.

It’ll be a very sad day when we lose them.